


sorry.

by Tallulah_Malibu



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, M/M, Suicide, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:55:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22692892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah_Malibu/pseuds/Tallulah_Malibu
Summary: Hi lovelies. So this is based on the real life people and Drag Queens, Trixie Mattel(Brian Firkus) and Katya Zamolodchikova(Brian McCook). Both are male but I've used female pronouns for Trixie, and male for Katya to (hopefully) make this easier to follow. Enjoy. And please! I want your thoughts. Don't be afraid to comment on every chapter if you want.
Relationships: Brian Firkus/Brian McCook, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 3
Kudos: 56





	1. Part One.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies. So this is based on the real life people and Drag Queens, Trixie Mattel(Brian Firkus) and Katya Zamolodchikova(Brian McCook). Both are male but I've used female pronouns for Trixie, and male for Katya to (hopefully) make this easier to follow. Enjoy. And please! I want your thoughts. Don't be afraid to comment on every chapter if you want.

\---  
Trixie’s feet were planted firmly on the concrete, as she stared up at door above her.  
She couldn’t move yet; she was still unsure of her actions.

She hadn’t heard from Katya in weeks, well that wasn’t entirely true. He had answered her, twice.  
‘I’m fine’ followed by several emojis was hardly a response Trixie thought, it was bullshit in fact,  
she knew it was bullshit, but she didn’t know how to get Katya to open up to her.

Katya was the one friend she was _truly_ close with.  
She’d had plenty of best friends, but it was different with him. They didn’t click right away but when they did, there was no turning back.  
They didn’t need to see each other often and most of their conversations took place over the phone, as they were both usually too busy, or not in the same town.  
When they finally met in person, it was countless hours of nonsense ramblings and scream laughter.  
They talked about everything and nothing.  
They knew each other better than they knew themselves.

It used to be easy with Katya, they knew everything with a look or an emoji.  
Words weren’t needed for them but now, it was complete radio silence, and it fucking _hurt._  
But, how are you supposed to force someone to talk, when they so obviously don’t want to?  
How can two people be so close, and yet so suddenly distant?  
  


Trixie’s phone buzzed in her hand, and she almost dropped it trying to answer quickly enough.

‘Katya?’

‘No bitch, it’s me’ Kim laughed, and Trixie suddenly felt annoyed.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hear from her friend, it just wasn’t the right friend.

Kim continued, without waiting, ‘So anyways we’re heading out tonight, you’re coming right? We’re not going in drag, but you can if you want and- ‘

‘Kim, sorry, I- I can’t, not tonight’

‘Boo, you whore’

‘I know, I know, I gotta go okay? I’ll call you.’ Trixie hung up before Kim could even respond.

She couldn’t go anywhere or do anything until she knew what the fuck was happening with Katya.

I hate these _stupid_ phones _,_ Trixie thought to herself, well she didn’t really, she just hated the bullshit technological wall people could put up around themselves.  
You post one photo with a smile and a bit of face-tuning and suddenly, you’re the picture of health and happiness. It was bullshit.

She was just as guilty as everyone else of doing the same, but at least she answered her friends calls.  
At least she told the truth when they asked. At least she didn’t disappear completely for weeks at a time.  
  


‘Last chance.’ she whispered to her phone, as she hit dial on Katya’s name.  
She had been standing at the bottom of the stairs staring up at Katya’s red brick apartment for 15 minutes.  
She was trying to decide if this was okay, if this was the right thing to do.  
The phone rang out, again.

‘Fuck, okay… fuck it, I need to know.’ Trixie took a deep breath and made her way up the stairs.  
She had to know if the rumors had any truth to them, she knew they did, but maybe it wasn’t as bad as everyone thought.  
She got to the door, and with a shaky hand, she knocked twice.


	2. Part Two.

Trixie knocked again, louder this time.   
‘Katya?’ she called out, ‘Hey we don’t have to talk, I don’t know if _I_ did something, but just- come on please?’

Still no answer.  
  
\---

She wondered if she’d fucked it up somehow.   
Did she put too much pressure on him with the show and all the gigs they had booked together?

Katya had seemed so excited about it all, but as filming went on and gigs passed by, Trixie could feel the distance growing.

Katya stopped coming to her hotel room after gigs in other cities.   
They stopped getting ready together before shows because Katya was showing up early, in full drag, ready to go, which was unusual, but not necessarily a bad thing.   
He would wait the hour and a half for Trixie to be ready.   
He’d wait outside though, smoking a whole pack of cigarettes and pacing around.

Katya was always so full of energy, so no one else noticed, no one else payed attention, not really.   
He had seemed himself, just a little more wound up than usual.

But that was months ago, now everyone could see it.  
Katya had seemingly disappeared, the only giveaways to his existence were, since deleted, Periscope ramblings.  
  
  


Trixie fumbled the keys in her pocket as she lent against the railing. Katya had given her a spare key the moment he moved to LA, before he’d even fully moved in.

_‘Well someone’s got to water my plants.’_

_‘Katya, you don’t have plants, you don’t even have furniture yet.’ She laughed as he handed her a single silver key on a weird eyeball key-chain._

_‘It’s a figure of speech Tracy.’_

She wasn’t sure it was, but she laughed with him anyway and attached the key to her key-chain, where it had remained for a little over a year.  
  
  


Trixie had never actually used the key though, she’d never had to.   
She knew Katya’s schedule almost better than her own, and whenever she had stood in front of that door, it opened before she could even knock.

She thought about calling again, what if she had it all wrong?   
What if Katya was perfectly fine and was just ignoring her because of something she did but wasn’t aware of?   
What if everyone was wrong about him, and just needed someone to talk shit about?

_What if Katya was dead?_

Trixie shook her head, ‘What the fuck?’ she said out loud, her own thoughts had surprised her.   
She wasn’t usually a negative person but now suddenly, she was picturing things she never wanted to see.

 _No_ , she wasn’t going to be the one person who didn’t try hard enough.   
Katya could hate her if he wanted, but she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t open the fucking door.


	3. Part Three.

It took her a moment, but the key finally turned, and as she swung the door open, a gross musky scent hit her right in the face. She screwed her nose up.   
The open door revealed Katya’s lounge-room, completely trashed and Trixie’s stomach started to form knots.

Alcohol bottles, wigs, clothes and rubbish covered every flat surface, floor included.   
It wasn’t unusual for Katya’s place to be in disarray, but this was a whole other thing.   
Everywhere Trixie looked was just more evidence confirming the rumors.   
The more she looked around, the more her stomach twisted up.

_Was that powder a drug thing or a drag thing?_

She stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind her.   
‘Katya? It’s just me.’ she called out to no one.   
She checked every room, and only found more filth, no Katya.

She returned to the kitchen, phone in hand, but she didn’t know who to call.   
It was obvious what was going on, but if Katya wouldn’t answer her, then who would?   
Who could even help at this point?

A breeze brushed past her shoulder, and she turned to face the balcony, the curtain was moving slightly, and she noticed the door was ajar.   
She stepped forward, slid it open and popped her head out.   
Curled up on the floor was the person she’d been searching for.   
A mess of red lipstick and vomit, un-moving, but staring straight back at her.

‘Katya?! What the fuck?’ she had stepped outside now and was reaching her hand out to help Katya off the floor, but he remained still.  
‘Hello? You really gonna keep ignoring me even though I’m right in front of you?’   
Trixie was becoming annoyed, still, she felt a sense of empathy for Katya, you had to be going through some shit to be found like this.

His face was hollow, eyes dark and wet.  
‘I fucked up again mother.’   
He finally spoke but he wasn’t being serious.   
‘I can see that, what happened? Are you okay?’ That was a stupid question she thought, the answer was obvious.

‘I’m fine Tallulah, no big deal.’ Katya stood up reaching for Trixie’s hand to help steady himself.   
‘Stop saying that Katya, I’m not stupid.’   
Whatever Katya had taken did not appreciate the fact that he had stood up because suddenly he was vomiting at Trixie’s feet, and mumbling words that couldn’t be understood.  
  
Trixie had seen enough.


	4. Part Four.

Trixie dragged Katya inside, straight to the bathroom.   
She needed him to sober up so they could talk, properly this time.   
She wasn’t taking ‘I’m fine’ for an answer again.

Katya’s face protested everything Trixie did, from undressing him to turning on the shower, but he didn’t speak.   
The water washed over Katya’s body and Trixie leaned against the sink, tapping away on her phone.

She doubted there was anything edible left in the apartment, so she was ordering food and a few groceries.   
When Trixie was done, she turned the water off for Katya and handed him the least disgusting looking towel she could find.

Katya followed her to the bedroom where she handed him some clothes found in the back of the dresser.   
‘Trixie, really I’m okay, it was just a slip, it’s not…’ He trailed off; his voice sounded smaller than she was used to.   
Trixie didn’t answer him, she just walked to the lounge-room and started clearing off the couch, while he dressed himself in the slightly too big clothes.

He moved to the lounge-room and followed Trixie’s cue, sitting cross-legged on the couch.   
There was a knock and Trixie was thanking someone and taking bags through the door.   
Katya didn’t get up to help, he wasn’t sure he could.

They sat on the couch in silence, Katya taking small sips of the tea Trixie had given him, there was food too, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of it.   
Trixie wanted to speak several times, but she didn’t know where to start.

10 minutes of silence and half of the tea in his hand was enough to make the room stop vibrating, so Katya uncrossed his legs and turned to face Trixie.   
She was the one to finally break the silence though,   
‘What is going on with you? What do I do Katya? And don’t tell me you’re fine because it’s bullshit and you know it.’

He furrowed his brow and took a deep breath.   
That was too many questions at once, he needed a second.


	5. Part Five.

‘I know it’s bullshit, I fucked up Trix. _I’m_ fucked up. I just couldn’t handle it anymore.’

‘Handle what?’ Trixie’s voice was soft, she was trying to be gentle.

‘The shows, the people, drag, _me_ , everything. It’s just too much.’ She placed a hand on his knee and lent in closer.

‘So what can I do?’

‘No nothing, it will be fine, I’ll get it together. I always do. I just need to clean this shit up and get back into it. Then I’ll forget about the drugs. I just need to get back to work.’

Trixie wanted to believe him, but she knew it wasn’t that easy.   
‘Kat, I think it’s past that point, don’t you? Maybe we should take you to like, a doctor or a psych-

‘No fucking way Trixie, you know I’ve done that shit too many times before.’   
Katya sat up straight and his shoulders tensed.   
‘I’m not spilling my guts to someone who just doesn’t fucking get it, it’s exhausting.’

Trixie hated confrontation, so she tried to turn the conversation back to words of comfort.   
‘Hey no, okay. I understand. Look, I’m here okay. We don’t have to go anywhere but what can I do? Please Katya, I wanna help you.’

Katya took to his feet, ‘No! Trixie it’s fine, it’s fucking fine okay. I don’t need help; I don’t want it. Just leave me a- I think maybe you should go.’

Trixie’s talk of doctors had obviously hit a nerve, but she wasn’t going to leave.

Katya was getting worked up, he wasn’t sober yet, but he was sober enough to start feeling things again, and that was not good.

He was becoming defensive and pacing back and forth, not making eye contact with Trixie, but talking at her anyway.   
‘It’s not going to help, nothing helps, I always get myself out of it anyway, so I don’t need you here okay?’   
He stopped pacing for a moment and stood in front of her, ‘ _Why are you here Trixie_?’

She was hurt by that question, why was she here?   
What the fuck did Katya think of their relationship to even ask that question?   
She took a deep breath,   
‘I care about you Katya, okay? Everyone’s worried, you haven’t answered my calls for weeks,   
you’ve been cancelling gigs, no one has seen you in person for over a month. I had to check on you, I was scared.’

‘Scared?’ Katya laughed, ‘You know what’s really scary Trixie? It’s the fact that I don’t care anymore, I don’t fucking care about any of it,  
the gigs, the drugs, the distance from everyone, the fucking filth I’m living in! I _don’t_ care. It doesn’t matter to me anymore, _that’s_ scary.’

Trixie stood up and grabbed Katya’s arm, ‘I care though, _I care_ Katya. You can’t do this alone again. You shouldn’t have to. You need help.’

Trixie could see him thinking.  
‘Yeah maybe I do… or did, but it’s beyond that now.’   
Katya moved out of Trixie’s reach.   
‘I just can’t do it, I need to get it together I know, I can’t though, it doesn’t matter, but...’

He wasn’t talking to Trixie anymore, he seemed to be talking back and forth with himself.   
He was almost asking for help and then telling himself it didn’t matter, that it wasn’t worth the trouble.

Trixie didn’t know what to say and as she stood, lost in her own thoughts for a second, Katya had made his way to the kitchen.   
He was scrambling through one of the drawers, still talking to himself.


	6. Part Six.

Katya had never taken drugs with Trixie around; he’d never even had a drink in front of her.   
Even though he had relapsed many times before, he always did it alone.   
This relapse was different though, he didn’t care to hide it from her anymore.

He found what he was looking for, a bottle of pills, hidden behind utensils in a drawer.   
He opened the bottle and tipped the pills into his hand.   
It really didn’t matter he thought, Trixie said it herself, _everyone knew_. So then, everyone already thought the worst of him.   
He placed a pill on his tongue and swallowed, then another and another.

Trixie stepped into the kitchen and as she saw what Katya was doing, her stomach tightened again.   
‘Katya stop!’ she closed the distance between them, and she was almost yelling,   
‘You say you need help and then you backtrack, and you tell me it doesn’t matter, and that nothing helps and just let me fucking help please?   
You’re scaring the shit out of me, just fucking-

‘No Trixie,’ he paused for a moment and looked down at the pills in his hand,   
‘it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, this is just how it has to be. It can’t be helped.’

Katya was making no sense and Trixie’s stomach was wound so tight she thought she was going to throw up.   
_Was he trying to kill himself?_   
He was certainly making it sound that way.

His back and forth was confusing and Trixie couldn’t understand what he wanted.   
Maybe he didn’t even know himself.

He looked Trixie dead in the face and took 3 more pills at once, he’d lost it, not even the tears in her eyes stopped him.   
She couldn’t take it anymore. She’d never been this angry and upset, not since she was a kid.

She snatched the last of the pills from Katya’s hand and threw them against the wall.

‘I’M NOT GOING TO WATCH YOU KILL YOURSELF, FOR FUCK SAKE BRIAN WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING LET ME HELP YOU?!’   
She yelled right in his face hoping that he’d _finally_ fucking hear her.

Katya took a step back; Trixie had never yelled at him like that before.   
He’d never seen her that upset, or maybe angry?   
He wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but he didn’t like it.   
It made his chest feel heavy.

‘I don’t want you to watch me- you shouldn’t have to deal with this Trix.’   
He crossed his arms, as if to shut her out again.

‘Brian, for weeks I’ve been hearing about you from everyone else but… who the fuck is here, right now? Has anyone else even bothered to show up?’

‘No but… I don’t think you should help me. I know I need to stop; I know, I know!’   
Tears were swelling in his eyes, ‘I don’t know if you could handle it, I don’t _want_ you to handle it.   
Withdrawals are hell, and I’m not leaving this apartment. I don’t know if our relationship could handle something like this.’

Trixie’s voice was small now and breaking with every few words, ‘I want to fucking handle it, I need to, I fucking love...   
I want to help Brian, please let me, please.’   
Tears were streaming down her face.   
‘I can’t see you like this anymore. I’d rather lose what we have, than watch you die. I can’t lose you, _please_.’

She was begging now and reaching for his hands.   
He held them and sighed deeply, blinking back his tears.   
Trixie’s face was tearing him apart. This had to end. He never wanted anyone else to hurt.  
So, he agreed.


	7. Part Seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, it me, Tallulah. So listen, this part was not meant to be this long but it just kinda of happened. so enjoy <3

\---  
Trixie spent the first few days cleaning and hovering over Katya.   
He insisted he was fine, but she could tell he was starting to come down.  
  


The next few days were rough.   
Katya was having withdrawals and Trixie wasn’t quite sure how to help, so she did her best.   
She cleaned the vomit and showered him when he couldn’t stand up.   
She even helped him out to the balcony to smoke a handful of cigarettes.   
She ordered groceries and cooked every meal for him, insisting that he ate something decent, not some heinous take-out food.   
He didn’t really eat though, almost everything that went down, came straight back up.

The days after that were the worst, Katya couldn’t get out of bed at all. He was begging Trixie for anything to take the edge off.

She stood next to the bed holding a plate of food for him.   
He looked up at her like he was in pain and he had tears in his eyes.   
He pleaded once more for anything to help.

‘Kat, I can’t. You know I can’t give you anything. You’ve made it this far; I know it sucks but-

‘Fine. Just leave me alone then. I don’t want your fucking food either.’   
His words were dripping with anger and he rolled over in bed, facing away from where Trixie stood.   
She knew it wasn’t him talking, not really.

She left the room and started her next task.   
There was no better time to do it, Katya couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed.   
So, before he got the energy to get up, Trixie searched the rest of the apartment for any stashes of drugs or alcohol.

After checking on Katya, who had since fallen asleep or maybe passed out, she took what she had found downstairs to the trash.   
It probably wasn’t the best idea to dump a bunch of drugs into Katya’s trash can, so she walked across the street and put it all in someone else’s.

On her way back upstairs Trixie took a second to take a few deep breaths of fresh air.  
The sun was about to set, and a cool breeze was setting in.   
_That’s what’s missing_ , she thought, _some goddamn air_.   
She returned to the apartment and cracked a few windows to let the fresh breeze in.   
She had spent days cleaning and watching over Katya and somehow didn’t even think to open a window.

After a few hours of doing laundry, Trixie was done.   
The apartment finally looked like an apartment, not some hoarders drug den.   
She went to check on Katya, he was still sleeping, so she climbed in behind him.

Katya stirred and then he spoke quietly, ‘Hey Trix?’

Trixie was propped up on her elbow behind him, ‘Hey sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.’

‘No, no you didn’t. It’s okay.’ His sleepy voice was gravelly and deep.   
Trixie had forgotten how much she liked it until that moment.

‘How you feeling?’ Trixie leaned over his shoulder slightly and he half turned to face her.

He sighed, ‘Like hell.’

‘Right, of course.’ She bit her lip, thinking of how to help, ‘Um, do you want me to get you some water or something?’

‘No, I’m good. Hey listen... about before, I’m sorry. It wasn’t about you, I was just… I don’t know, I didn’t mean it though.’

She moved in closer and put an arm around his stomach, ‘It’s okay, I know.’

He grabbed her hand, pulled it up to his chest and locked their fingers together.   
She held him tight letting her chest melt into his back as she laid her head on the pillow.

The sweet moment didn’t last long; Trixie had just barely fallen asleep when Katya was up and pacing around.   
He was dripping with sweat and shivering.   
Trixie took a moment to Google ‘how to bring down a fever without medication’ and then hopped into action.   
She looked after him like a pro, but she was worried things would only get worse.

She got him back into bed, taking the duvet off and leaving only the sheet.   
She placed a cool cloth on his forehead and sat cross-legged on the bed beside him.   
He complained that the sheet was making him hot, but Google told Trixie that shivering can make a fever worse so she compromised with him by putting the ceiling fan on low.

Katya’s fever was finally dropping and he wasn’t complaining about it anymore,  
instead he was mumbling on about ripping the skin from his chest so he could breathe again.   
Trixie wasn’t exactly sure what he meant.   
She went off to the kitchen to get him some water, and when she came back Katya was sitting on the edge of the bed.

‘Hey, you should be laying down, what are you doing?’

‘I can’t fucking breathe.’ He said quietly, through clenched teeth.

‘What-

‘It’s not enough that I’m having withdrawals, I’ve got to have a panic attack too?’ He stood up and walked towards the door.

‘Oh, okay. Uh, alright, hey let’s go out to the balcony and get some fresh air.’   
She placed the glass of water on the bedside table and stepped towards him. He was breathing short and quick.

‘I don’t think that’s gonna do it Trix. It’s okay, you get some sleep, I’ll figure it out.’ He started picking at his fingernails.

‘Five minutes okay? We’ll count the cars going by, put your focus on something else?’

‘Fine.’

Trixie followed behind him, grabbing his cigarettes from the kitchen counter and slipping them into her pocket as Katya opened the door to the balcony.

They stood for a few minutes, Katya started counting cars and Trixie rubbed circles into his back.

He was still breathing quickly, and Trixie was wishing she could just take it all away for him.   
She moved a little closer to him and tried to offer comfort.   
‘Just focus on the cars and the feeling of my hand on your back, okay? It’ll pass, I promise.’ Her voice was sweet and caring but it wasn’t helping him.

He huffed and moved out of Trixie’s reach, turning to face her, ‘It’s not helping Trix. I need to do something else.’

She pulled the cigarettes from her pocket and placed them in his hand. ‘Will that help?’

‘I thought I was out.’

‘Yeah, I had someone drop them off.’

‘You are wonderful,’ he smiled a little. ‘I need to sit down.’

Katya didn’t have any chairs on the balcony, he never spent enough time out there to warrant buying any.   
The pair sat next to each other on the cement, Trixie rubbing Katya’s knee as he puffed away.   
She held her breath when the smoke passed by her face, but she put up with it to be there for him.

Eventually his breathing slowed and they both went back to bed.   
Neither of them could sleep though, so they moved to the lounge-room and Katya put some mindless show on the TV.   
Before they knew it, the sun was rising.

Trixie got up from the couch and cooked breakfast for Katya. He finally managed to keep it down.   
They spent the rest of the day enjoying Netflix, Katya periodically going to the balcony to smoke.   
Trixie was feeling cautiously hopeful, Katya seemed to be doing okay, but she was waiting for something else to happen.

It was late afternoon, they were both exhausted and decided to have a very early night.   
Trixie curled up in bed facing Katya and he took her hand and held it to his chest.

He smiled at her, ‘Thanks for today, thanks for all of the days actually. I’m glad you’re here Brian.’

‘Of course, I’ll always be here. No matter what. That’s a promise, or maybe a threat.’

They laughed together and Katya popped a small kiss on Trixie’s forehead before rolling over to sleep.


	8. Part Eight.

It was early hours of the morning and Katya had woken up, needing the bathroom.   
He looked over at Trixie who was sleeping peacefully.   
He realized that this was the first time he had seen her sleep for more than an hour since she arrived.   
Every time Katya had woken up for almost the last week Trixie was there, awake and ready to help in whatever way she could.

He slipped out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom.   
He closed the door behind him and locked it.   
Locking doors behind him was such a habitual act that he never even realized he did it, until he was trying to get back out.  
  


He was finishing up when he heard stirring in the apartment, and then a knock at the bathroom door.

‘Katya? Why is the door locked? Let me in.’ Trixie’s voice sounded panicked through the door and she knocked again.

Katya was confused, he was only gone for a minute, why was she so worked up?

‘Okay, sorry. Just let me wash up.’ He said as he turned on the faucet.

‘What? Katya, what’s happening? Open the fucking door!’ Trixie sounded pissed off and Katya was really confused.

He wiped his hands on the towel behind the door before opening it.   
‘Okay geez, I just really had to piss okay?’ he said, a little annoyed, as the door opened.

Trixie pushed past him into the doorway as he spoke.   
‘Why was the door locked Katya? I was worried. Let me see, I need to see.’

She stepped into the bathroom and looked around, she was really worked up and Katya could see her hands shaking.   
Then he realized what it must’ve looked like to her.

‘Oh, Trix, no. No, I wasn’t, I promise.’

She didn’t answer him, she just kept looking around the room.

He tried to reassure her, ‘Hey c’mon, I may have been pretty out of it the last few days,  
but I definitely noticed this place get a whole lot cleaner. There’s probably not even a Tylenol left anywhere, right?’

His words brought no comfort to her and she seemed to be getting more worked up every second.   
She was breathing quickly, and tears were forming in her eyes.

‘Katya, I- I can’t breathe. What the fuck...’ She took a few short breaths.  
‘What the fuck is happening to me? I feel like... I can’t...’ Her breathing was getting faster and her whole body was shaking.

‘Hey, it’s okay. Come here, let’s just go back to bed. It wasn’t what you thought, I promise.’   
He tried to grab her hand, she flinched, and it only seemed to make things worse for her.

‘Don’t! Don’t touch me. Katya… Brian I can’t fucking-

‘Trix, I think you’re having a panic attack, c’mon it’s okay, I promise.’   
Her face was turning white and Katya thought she was going to hit the floor at any second, so he reached for her shoulder.   
That was all Trixie could take.

She shoved Katya right into the wall and almost sprinted past him.   
It wasn’t particularly hard, but he was quite taken aback by it.   
He stood for a moment, wondering if Trixie had ever even had a panic attack before that moment.


	9. Part Nine.

\---  
Trixie had half-sprinted back to the bedroom.  
She slammed the door behind her, pressed her back against it and fell to the floor.  
She was hyperventilating and her fists were clenched tight.

Her eyes stung with tears and she thought crying might help but she couldn’t, she was way too worked up.  
There were too many thoughts in her head, she was so exhausted, her chest was tightening,  
and honestly, she felt like she was going to die.

She was so lost in the panic that she didn’t even hear Katya at the door,  
begging to come in, begging to help, and apologizing over and over.

Trixie dug her nails into her palms as she rocked in place for a while.  
Katya sat on the opposite side of the door listening to her breathe.

He thought about all the times he’d had a panic attack, and all the times Trixie was there to help however she could.  
Even if she couldn’t help, she would sit and wait with him.  
Katya wanted her there every time, but he never wanted to be selfish,  
and he never wanted her to have to watch him go through it.  
So, he made sure that she always knew he would be fine and that he didn’t need her.

Trixie’s breathing seemed to slow on the other side of the door and Katya couldn’t hear the movement of her rocking anymore.  
He spoke quietly, ‘Trixie?’ She didn’t respond, she was still lost.

Katya spoke again, a little louder, ‘Brian? Brian please let me in. I just wanna help.’  
He placed his palm against the door, hoping. ‘We don’t have to talk. I promise, I won’t make you.’


	10. Part Ten.

Katya heard shuffling behind the door, so he stood up and opened it gently.  
Trixie was backed against the dresser, still visibly shaking.  
Her hands were clenched but she was breathing steadily.

He closed the door behind him and sat cross-legged on the floor facing her.  
He didn’t say anything, he didn’t reach out for her, even though he so desperately wanted to hold and comfort her.  
He didn’t want the panic to start all over.

They sat for a few minutes, Katya looking up at her every now and then.  
No one spoke, and Trixie wasn’t paying attention anyway, Katya could practically hear her thoughts racing.  
He stared at the floor for a while wondering how to help.

Finally, he heard movement, he looked up and Trixie was staring back at him.  
Her fists un-clenched, but her body still shaking slightly.

‘I’m sorry.’ She sounded broken, and Katya’s stomach dropped.

‘Don’t apologize, you don’t need t-

‘No, I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m sorry I yelled, I’m sorry for all of it. I don’t know what… I- That’s never happened to me before.’

‘No, _I’m_ sorry. Please Trix,  
I shouldn’t have put you in this position. You shouldn’t be here worrying yourself sick because I’d gone to the bathroom and you thought I was doing-

‘I put myself in this position, I _wanted_ to be in this position.  
I’m sorry I thought you were doing drugs, but you have to understand Brian, I found you days ago, completely out of it.  
You stopped answering my calls, you stopped answering anyone.  
The way you spoke that day scared me.  
You sounded like you wanted to die, and you sounded like you didn’t care if it happened then and there.’

A wave of guilt rushed over him as he remembered back to that day.  
She had yelled at him, cried at him, begged him to stop.  
He didn’t want to kill himself though, no, he’d never do that to her.

She continued, ‘You fucking scare me, you scare the absolute shit out of me.  
I’m so scared all the time. I’m scared you’ll leave in the middle of the night and I’ll never fucking see you again.  
I’m scared _no one_ will ever see you again.  
I just want you to… and I know it’s selfish but… Brian I love you.  
I need you to see that. I can’t lose you, ever. I can’t.’

The guilt Katya was feeling only grew with Trixie’s words and he moved to her side, repeating over and over how sorry he was.  
He was so incredibly sorry he had done this to her.  
Tears were swelling in his eyes, but he had to stop,  
Trixie needed him.

He pulled her to bed, and she curled into his chest.  
He held her tight, and finally Trixie cried.  
It all came out, the exhaustion, the fear, the sadness, the love,  
everything she had held back since the day she opened the door to the apartment.

Neither of them spoke, Trixie sobbed into his chest, gasping every so often.  
He let a few tears slip out, but he held it together, for her.  
He held her tight and rubbed her back gently.

Katya had lost track of time and was drowning in all the guilt.  
Finally, Trixie had fallen asleep.  
He knew she needed the rest, she had been up for days cooking, cleaning, helping and worrying.  
He couldn’t sleep, he felt sick, but he didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to wake Trixie, so he just held her.  
He held her all night, his shoulders hurt, and his hands went numb, but he didn’t let go,  
he couldn’t.


	11. Part Eleven.

At last, sunlight was trickling through the curtains, and Katya had sat up in bed.  
He looked over at Trixie who had rolled away from him in her sleep.  
He had spent the whole night thinking about all the ways he had hurt her, all the ways he had hurt a lot of people.

It was the hurt he had put on Trixie though that really played on his mind.  
  
She meant so much to him.  
He had said it a million times before, she was the best thing that ever happened to him.  
She was there for him through everything, and even when he had pushed everyone away, she was there.  
She never gave up on him and she never backed down when he insisted that he didn’t want or need her help.  
  
He’d never do for anyone, what she had done for him.  
Not for anyone, except Trixie.

Katya decided he needed to leave the apartment,  
it had been far too long and he needed to go out and find a way to make up for what he had put Trixie through during the night.

He got up, found some fresh clothes and made his way to the bathroom.  
Once he had changed and brushed his teeth, he found his keys on the kitchen counter and headed for the front door.

He unlocked it and half turned the handle when he realized what he was doing.  
He couldn’t leave like this, not after last night.  
Trixie’s word echoed in his head _‘I’m scared... I’m scared you’ll leave, and I’ll never fucking see you again.’_

 _Shit_ , he thought, _I need to tell her_.

He made his way back to the bedroom and Trixie had rolled back towards Katya’s side.  
Sunlight was dancing across her face as the curtain fluttered in the breeze.  
He took a moment to take her in.  
  
Her lips, her cheeks, the tiny bit of drool sneaking out of the corner of her mouth, and he smiled.  
He couldn’t wake her, she needed this, a good deep sleep, after all the chaos of the week.

His stomach twirled a little and he couldn’t quite put his finger on what he was feeling.  
 _Probably just hungry_ , he thought.

He found some paper and a pen and wrote a note for Trixie,  
in hopes she wouldn’t worry if she woke to him gone.  
He placed the note on the pillow next to her and left the apartment,  
in search of a breakfast place to fix the ‘hunger’ he suddenly had.


	12. Part Twelve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, me again, this part is short, I know, but the next part is the final. Probably not the final final, but the final for this part of the story anyways. Thanks for reading so far <3

\---  
Trixie woke shortly after Katya had left.  
Her eyes hurt, and her head was hurting even worse.  
She rolled over to Katya, but he wasn’t there.  
She shot up quickly and called out for him.  
The sudden movement made her want to puke and then she saw the note.  
Her stomach dropped and she thought about leaving it there, scared of what she might read.

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand, just in case, took a deep breath and started reading.

_Trixie baby,_

_I’ve just gone to get breakfast._

_Please don’t worry, please trust me._

_I’ve taken my phone, call me if you need._

_I will answer this time, I promise._

_Back soon, Brian._

_xx_

Trixie felt slightly better, but the worry was still there.  
She unlocked her phone and scrolled through her contacts until she found him.  
She wanted to hit call, but she looked back at the note, _please trust me_.

She locked her phone, she couldn’t follow him everywhere, no matter how much she wanted to.  
Even though Katya hadn’t necessarily earned her trust back yet, she wanted to trust him, she wanted to try at least.  
So, she did.

Five minutes had passed, and Trixie was sat cross-legged at the top of the bed, waiting.

Ten minutes had passed, and she was starting to worry again.

Fourteen minutes had passed, and she had unlocked her phone and started scrolling.

Sixteen minutes had passed, and she was standing next to the bed, finger hovering over Katya’s name.

Twenty minutes had passed, and Trixie’s phone was locked again, but she was sitting on the edge of the bed chewing at her fingernails.

She was looking around for her phone again when she heard something in the apartment, then footsteps,  
and _finally_ Katya was opening the door to the bedroom.


	13. Part Thirteen. Final. For now.

Katya’s bright white smile came through the door, and Trixie was relieved.   
She finally had him back.

‘Hey, you’re awake, did you get my note? I didn’t want to wake you.  
I don’t even know what time you-  
we fell asleep last night but it was like, late. So, I wanted to let you sleep.’

‘Yeah, no, I got it. Thanks for letting me know.’ She smiled, ‘I’m glad you’re back.’

‘Me too.’  
He motioned for her to follow him,  
‘Come on, I got breakfast, and I also stopped and grabbed you some Tylenol.  
Bet you have a huge headache right now.’  
  


Trixie stood up and followed him to the lounge-room.  
‘My head fucking kills actually, how’d you know?’

‘Anyone’s head would hurt from dealing with my sorry ass.’  
Katya joked, but he became serious again in his next breath,  
‘No, but really Trix, last night was rough.  
I cry for five minutes and my head hurts, but you cried for like, hours.’

She bit her lip at him, feeling guilty for making him deal with her,  
‘Right, ah, sorry about all that. I just really…  
I guess I kind of lost my shit.’

‘No, don’t apologize, please. I think, um, I think you really needed it though right?’  
Katya grabbed the bags he had left on the coffee table as he spoke.

‘Yeah I, uh, I guess I couldn’t keep holding all of that in anymore.’  
She sighed, ‘I was so exhausted and it just…  
came out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that to you, not with what you’re going through.  
I’m sorry.’

Katya turned to face her, ‘Hey, _stop apologizing._ You’ve done nothing wrong. Please Bri, okay?  
C’mon let’s get some fresh air, we’ll eat on the balcony. I think I finally have a proper appetite.’  
  
He moved towards her and placed a small kiss on her cheek.  
He handed a bag to her, and then she followed him out to the balcony.

‘Wait, don’t sit yet.’ Katya said quickly, before rushing back inside.

He returned a moment later with a huge smile on his face.  
  
‘Look!’ He was holding two hot pink camping chairs.

Trixie rolled her eyes and giggled at him, ‘What the hell Katya?’

He laughed, ‘I know, I know, but I saw them on the way home and they reminded me of you, so I had to.’

He set them up and they both sat down, looking out at the street below them.  
  


Trixie didn’t even realize how hungry she was.  
She’d spent the last week cooking for Katya and picking at her own plate while she watched him struggle through.  
Her meals were over as soon as he started puking again, so it was nice to finally have a proper meal.

They sat for a while, eating and watching the cars go by.  
  
Trixie had finally finished, and Katya was staring at her, laughing.

She smiled, confused, ‘What? What’s your problem?’

He lent over to her, reaching his hand out,  
‘God Tracy, it’s like you’ve just discovered food. You have it everywhere.’

Trixie laughed, a little embarrassed,  
but she leaned into his hand allowing him to wipe away the crumbs she had all around her lips and on her cheek.  
  
Katya’s hand lingered for a moment, and Trixie’s stomach fluttered.  
She moved out of his reach and laughed awkwardly.

‘Thanks, Dad.’ She joked, trying to forget the feeling of his hand on her cheek.

‘No worries mate.’ He responded, laughing through his terrible Australian accent.

She laughed at him, the first genuine laugh in days, weeks really.  
  
Katya started one of his ridiculous flailing laughs, which only made Trixie laugh even harder.  
He grabbed her hand as he flailed around in his seat, and even when they had finally stopped laughing,  
he didn’t let go.


End file.
